The things I want to tell you are not things I want to bash you about but apologize for the things that I have done and thanking you for just being here. My life has a void full of toxic and bittersweet memories. Memories that come from you and misunderstandings. Coming up with things that I am sorry about is easy, but putting them into the right words is the hardest thing I can do.
I’m sorry I stress you out all the time and I don’t do as I’m told. You make me stressed too, and you know that. I wish you could understand how unhappy I am at school and at home. I love you with all my heart, but yet you’re the one that stresses me out the most. You know how hard I work in school, and you give me many chores anyways. I know you work very hard and long every day. I am a brat, I am sorry I take you for granted. You say it isn’t true, but I know you love the family you work for more than me. I know how happy they make you and I know they treat you well. I am so sorry I hurt you with my words, I know I will regret saying all the things I said, you just make me mad and make me feel guilty for everything I do. I know we stress each other out all the time, but I’m happy you’re my mom and I wouldn’t ask for another one. I love you so much.
I love you. You are like a best friend to me, and just like mom, I tend to take you for granted. I’m sorry I joke about how old you are. I am so scared you’re going to die soon. I am so scared of waking up for school every morning and not having you take me to school, sing Bee Gee’s songs with me, make jokes, laugh together, workout, and so much more. I am not scared of mom dying soon because I think she will live for a long time. I am scared to visit you in the vacant spot that sits next to grandma’s grave, that is 6 feet under. I’m sorry for a lot of things, but the one I’m most sorry for is for lying. I lie all the time to you and I have a large void of guilt. I am so comfortable with you and I want to tell you everything, but I don’t. I want to be with you and mom forever, even though you both make me stressed, I don’t want to move out and grow up. I love you so much.
Dear Ate Erica (older sister),
I rarely say this, but I love you. I feel yucky saying that, but it’s true. You have always been there for me and you make me feel less lonely. I know I have said and done many horrible things to you, and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel less than or not worth anything. I was and always will be here for you if you want to watch a movie, make jokes, sing, dance, and talk together. You taught me so much and we help each other out most of the time. You make me feel complete and I’m so scared of when you go to college because I’ll be alone, but I think I can hold my own. You make me happy, even though we make each other stressed. I love you regardless of what you say and do. You will always be my number 1. I’m not really sure what the number 1 is, but you are my number 1 haha. I love you.
I miss you so much. Even though you passed away in 2009, which was 9 years ago, I remember you and oh god I miss you. You are such a caring and wonderful person that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I am sorry we haven’t visited you for so long and we all made stupid excuses because we’re too lazy to visit. I remember watching you in the hospital bed not moving and the few constant finger twitches. I watched you while you were barely clinging to life and how you slipped away with that one breath. You deserved better. A better grandchild, better treatment, better everything. It breaks my heart knowing that I couldn’t spend all my time with you. Even the little things like helping you walk, watch movies, say good night to you, and just, everything I could’ve possibly done with you. I don’t know if I believe in God or not, but if you are in heaven, I hope you’re looking down on me and feel proud of what I’ve accomplished in the past couple years. I am 13 now, soon to be 14 in 2 days, and I want you here, with me, dad, that misses you so much that I see him cry more often, and all of us. I love you…
I hope you all enjoyed reading this. It was hard for me to write this since it was all true to heart and heartbreaking for me. Many points when writing, I cried thinking about the things that I did wrong. Please, cherish your family. You never know when their lives will end and you may end up regretting saying or doing things you can’t take back. Be aware of what you’re doing and the damage it can cause.
I love you all.